As I look out on the horizon, the view is beautiful – a sunset with colors of pink, purple, and gold. As long as I don't look at where I am currently standing … I will be fine … “don't look down Alisha! Don't look down! Don't look down!” I take a deep breath and take in the beauty of what lies ahead of me. Then it happens … I look down! My heart starts beating faster and faster. I feel as if I'm gonna burst out in tears. My hands and legs start to tremble. I need to move back, but I can't … I can't move. If I move, then I will miss the beauty of what is ahead of me.
I'm not one to write a post like this, mainly cuz I can never seem to write it without it sounding like a mumbled jumbled mess. Plus, I've been to ashamed to admit to anyone that I'm not “fine” or “great” or “pretty fantastic”. So bare with me as I try to admit to everyone, how I am truly feeling!
You see, last year if you would have asked me if I was content in where God has me in life, I would answer in a heartbeat “yes I am most definitley!” In fact, after I had finished reading Leslie Ludy's book “Sacred Singleness”, I decided that I need to surrender everything to God. After that, well, I didn't feel discontent. I felt revived / inspired / encouraged / alive / happy … the list could go on.
Then it happened!
God turned my world upside down in November 2014 … He turned it upside down, in a way I never thought He would. But I didn't let this steal my content … I just prayed and kept on living life like nothing had even happened.
Then I noticed something within me start to change. I noticed that my mind kept going back to how God turned my world upside down. But I wasn't about to let the devil steal my content … oh my no! It had taken me 7-8 years to get the point of contement … there was no way it was going to be stolen from me!
Then the end of January 2015 came – and once again God turned my world upside down! And once again, I was shocked at how He went about doing it. Once again, my mind kept going back to how God turned my world upside down both times. Only this time … I noticed that the devil had stolen a part of my contentment. I notice that I don't feel as happy/revived/alive/inspired/encouraged.
Now as we near the end of February 2015 … well, my mind still goes back to how God turned my world upside down those two times, but this time my mind is more focused on the last time. You see, my mind is stuck on the last one cuz it was “physical”. Now … I'm standing on the edge – wondering, “what will come of this?” “Does this mean anything?” “What does 2015 truly have in store for me?”
In the start of my post, I used an example of me standing on the edge of a high cliff, looking out at the beautiful sunset on the horizon. I did that cuz I can use it in my current situation …
Right now, I'm standing on the edge, wondering what will come about with what God is doing. But like in the example, I'm looking ahead … and what Alisha is seeing is absolutley beautiful … what Alisha sees is the future she has always dreamed of and desired. I don't want to take a step back, cuz I might not be able to see what's ahead. I won't be able to see what the future holds when Alisha has let herself take control.
Is what I'm going through all beacause Alisha has taken the reigns again? Absolutley not, I truly believe it's is all God. But now that I can see what might happen, well, let's just say Alisha needs to … in the words of her Dad … “let go and let God!”
Just this past Friday, I had this thought:
What if what I'm currently going through, is God testing me? He knows that I'm not a patient person, and what I'm currently going through does indeed require lots of patience. Yes when God turned my world upside down, it was physical, but will I be able to trust God in the future if it happens again?
Was this thought from God? I dunno … but what I do know is this:
if this is a test … then I am failing miserably!
hate despise the feeling of failure … always have, always will! So in order for
me to “pass the test”, I guess what I need to do take Dad's words
and make it go from being head knowledge to heart knowledge.
In order for me to “pass the test”
I need to be patient and let go and let God!
In HIS grace, Alisha