Do You Think of Me?

Photo from Google Images

(a letter to Will, my biological father)

It's been nearly 12 years since you last spoke to me; 16 since you last saw me.
Do you ever wonder how I'm doing? 
Do you ever wonder who I look like – you or Mom?

I've decided to stay away from the dating game, and have devoted my life to that of physical + emotional purity for almost 12 years.  I've made the decision to stay away from drugs + alcohol.
Would you be proud of me?

I got my learner's permit at 15 and my license at 18.
Would you have taught me how to drive, or Mom? 
Would you be concerned for my safety out on the road?

I gave my life to Christ at 9 and rededicated my life to Him when I was 17!  I don't regret either of these decisions.
Have you given your life to Christ? 
Would you have been the one praying with me?

In school, I really enjoyed Algebra + spelling.
Did you enjoy these subjects too?

June 7, 2014 I graduated high school as our family's very first home-school graduate.  I don't want to go to college, but would rather allow God to direct my steps. 
Would you have allowed Mom to home-school me? 
Would my decision of not going to college bother you? 

I've always felt drawn to Africa, in fact God has called me to go in the near future.
Did you ever think “God's going to do great things in her life”?

I've been playing the piano for 13 years.  Mom tells me that your sister Sabrina played the piano as well.
Did you ever think I would inherit that gift?

I wear glasses all the time – just like your bother Harry.
Did it ever dawn on you that I too would wear glasses?

I no longer have long blond hair, but now have long brown hair.  Mom says that as I get older, I have your color hair more and more.  She also tells me that I have your beautiful blue eyes.
Would this make you proud?

I've always held extra weight, which Mom says runs in both families.  I'm really trying to lose weight and be healthier.
Would you tell me I'm beautiful the way I am?

When I was born, you wanted my name to be “Alisha”.
Did you ever think that I would love the name YOU chose? 
Did you ever think that the little girl you held in your arms would cherish the fact that her biological father picked her first name?

I never went out for that promised birthday lunch/dinner with you.
Do you ever regret “forgetting” that promise, but instead moving away with your new family and dog?

When I was six, you signed off parental rights for another man to take your place.
Didn't that break your heart?
Have you ever wondered if he raised me “right”?

I've only spoken to you one time on the phone.
Do you regret never calling me again?

You left over the road when I was three weeks old.  Not putting in much effort to be the father (or dad) I needed.  You didn't really care about the responsibility of being a father, you just wanted the title.

It use to break my heart to know that you didn't love me enough to [at least] try to be my dad.  Perhaps I should be mad because you not only made me suffer, but you made Mom suffer too.

But it doesn't break my heart anymore, because God blessed me abundantly.  He took care of everything and turned it around for the good.

I was blessed with an amazing, Godly man to raise me.  Yes, I have the best dad in the world!  Because of your decisions, I have been blessed to have Daniel raise me for the past 16 years.  He's my hero, and I love him so much.  No - Daniel's not perfect.  But... he tries – and that's all that matters to me – the effort he puts forth.

And for the record… I'm not mad about the heartache you caused Mom either.  Because, in Daniel, God blessed Mom with an amazing husband, who treats her with the respect and compassion any woman deserves.

So -  even though you never cared about or tried being my dad, the very few times that you were around meant/still means the world to me and I hold on to those memories, still.  The smallest of things like:

** reading to me before bed
** picking me up from preschool
** teaching me how to yo-yo (I still can't to this day figure it out)
** correcting me after I stuck my tongue out at you
** the time you called me “baby girl” and said “I love you”

Will, now that I'm older, I finally realize that I can't stay mad at you forever – nor can I hold a grudge against you forever; that's just emotionally draining + goes against the Bible.  What good is life if I'm going to live it emotionally drained!?

Will, on this day I make the choice to forgive you, completely.

I forgive you for walking out.  I forgive you for signing-off your parental rights.  I forgive you for forgetting that birthday lunch.  I forgive you for never calling me back.

I love you, Will.  What you have done in the past won't change that.  I want you to know -  that I don't love you like I love Mom and Daddy.  I love you like a brother.  That's what you are – a brother in Christ.  I no longer think of you as my father nor do I consider you my dad.  You didn't want that responsibility (which is fine). 

Daniel has been not only a great father, but a wonderful Daddy.  When he “bought the farm...” (as you so eloquently put it), he made me his girl.  And I made him my Daddy.  Like I've said before, he's by no means perfect.  But being a dad doesn't mean you have to be perfect!  All a child cares about is Daddy being there for them, loving them, raising them to be in the likeness of Christ  – taking responsibility.  And really that's all Daniel does.

That's all I have to say … for now.  I do, however, have one last question:



I'm always thinking about you.

Do you think of me?

Comments

  1. Alisha, this truly is the most beautiful post you've ever written! You were able to not just share your heart, but also to honor your biological father in your words without accusing him. Even if just for the fact that God chose him to be a part of bringing you into this world...you've chosen to be thankful and not bitter. Honoring parents who have not been there is one of the toughest things to do, yet it's one of the most important commandments- and you've been able to do that. God will bless you for it!! <3 I'm so proud of you. Your writing was amazing!! LOVE YOU!

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    1. Toria,
      All I can say is praise the Lord! I take no credit for this post (the only credit I take is the fact that I typed it). This post was directed + written by God.

      It is really difficult to honor an absent parent. I thank God everyday that I can learn how to honor him NOW, and not later on down the road.

      Well I'm flattered that your proud of me, but it's not me your proud of - you're proud of who God has created me to be!

      Love you girl!
      Alisha

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  2. Hey, Ali!! This post REALLY blessed me...does that sound weird? I almost cried and my mama did when I read it to her and Daddy. I really wish that I was more like you in loving and forgiveness ways!!
    Luv you, girl!!

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    1. Clo,
      No that's not weird at all!!!! Praise the Lord that it blessed you :)

      Awww!! You are so sweet! I'm glad He's using me to be an encouragement to the young girls in my life :)

      Love you too girl!
      Alisha

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  3. Dear Ali,
    Your story made tears form in my eyes!
    That has often been the cry of my heart to my birth parents! I (with my two older sisters) was taken from them when I was almost two... and adopted by my great Daddy and Mommy. But in the 15 years I have been adopted by my Mommy and Daddy, I have wondered if my birth parents ever thought of their little girls.
    My prayers and gratefulness for ypu sharing your story!
    Love, Susannah K.

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    1. Susannah,
      Aww praise the Lord that it blessed you! Just reading what you went through + how my story touched you brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing!!!

      I'm thankful that my story can reach others :)

      In HIS grace,
      Alisha

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  4. I think I've read this post a half dozen times... and cried that many times as well! I'm very proud of the decisions you make for yourself and that you don't allow others to sway them! I want to be more like you (when I grow up)!
    Love you more! Momma

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    1. Momma,
      Thank you for your sweet comment! It meant the world to me!

      I realize that my decision in this matter wouldn't be what it is today had you listened to the family. Thank you fot standing your ground and allowing me to make my own decisions :) I want to be like you when I grow up :D

      Love you the mostest!
      Ali ♥

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  5. Ali you have grown to be such a beautiful young lady inside as well as outside!!! I have a daughter that has a situation like yours and this is very inspiring for thoughs that are having a difficult time getting past situations like this.
    You are an awesome woman of God!!!!!
    Thank you for sharing your pains, and ability to forgive and move in
    Blessings to you
    Lisa

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    1. Mrs. M,
      Aww well praise the Lord! I cannot take credit for who I have become - that is all the Lord's doing! :)

      I thank God everyday that He is able to use my story to inspire others who have been in the same situation :) It blesses my heart to know!!!

      Again praise the Lord! He is absolutely wonderful :)

      You're very welcome!

      Blessings to you too :)
      Alisha

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  6. Sweet Alisha! Wow, I don't know what exactly to say, except that you are an amazing writer, are so brave + beautiful to be so open/authentic/honest by sharing your story, and your forgiveness is inspiring & sure to impact many others. You are so loved, girl. Prayers + love sent your way. <3

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    1. Elizabeth,
      You are absolutely sweet + your comments never cease to bring a smile to my face :)

      I'm thankful for God giving me the ability to write for His glory + His name's sake :)

      Well praise the Lord that He is using my story to impact the lives of others :) To God be the glory!!

      You are loved to dearie!

      Prayers, love, and hugs sent your way!
      Alisha♡

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  7. Simply beautiful! Thank you for letting the Lord work in your heart. The world is a better place because of it!!

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    1. Pamela,
      Praise the Lord!!

      You're welcome! And praise the Lord that my obedience made the world a better place :)

      In HIS grace,
      Alisha

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  8. Very precious and yes I did need that box of Kleenex your Mom mentioned.
    Hugs,
    Pam

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    1. Miss Pam,
      Haha it seems as though this post made everyone cry. I'm thankful for it touching the lives of others and praise God for it.

      Hugs to you as well!!
      Alisha

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  10. I think of you all the time! Extra pounds runs in our family I'd never judge you. I wear glasses to for night driving, and reading. I'm so very sorry that Iha c e hurt you and made you feel as if I walked out on you, and didn't want the responsibility of being your father. That is so not true yet I don't blame you for feeling that way. As for signing for dan to adopt you that is my biggest regret. Yet I thought I was doing the best thing for you. Your mom contacted me and asked if didn't tell her I was in my living hell of addiction I told her whatever I would be the best thing for you. I've never stopped loving you your my only child my first born and only daughter. I'm so very sorry. Yes I've accepted Christ into my life it's one the best feelings. I wish I could've taught you how to drive, I could've taught you how to drive a 13speed lol. You got my dimples and eyes and it looks like you've got my hair as well (blonde to brown) when I gave you your first name I could only hope and pray as you got older that you'd honor and love that your father gave you that name. I always said when I was a young adult when asked if I could have a child what would I want? I always said my first child will be a girl and for no reason at all I also said and I'll name her Alisha! And well Gob blessed your mother and I with a very beautiful baby girl in 1995 and I named her Alisha.. Your mother and Dan have done a very awesome job at raising you. I only met Dan one time and knew he was a Godly man I had no doubt that we would be a great Dad to you. A lot of things I did right and a lot of things I did wrong I wish I could go back and do things differently. I love you and always will Alisha you will always be my daughter my pride and joy. I hope and pray that one day when your ready you will want to talk and build a friendship with me again. Well if you ever decide I pray you do here is my number 907-255-8102 and I'm on Google and Facebook. I love you and I'm very very proud of you, your blog page is very awesome. Until your ready I'll be waiting I love you!
    ~Your Father Will~

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Hey there, thanks for stopping by my blog! Okay so I already said what I needed to say in the post, so now is your chance...I'd love to hear what you have to say :D

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ttyl,
♥ Alisha ♥